Remember to say thank you with a smile ...

Today is not so good .. it’s a developing symptom with strokes .. – but she knew I was with her and had a hard squeeze of my hand, and was thanking me for being there & for letting her rest, knowing that I’d return this afternoon; & also just gently reminding her that the vicar is coming tomorrow for a private appointment that she made with him, when he said prayers with her last time.

A couple of the other things that have set my mother apart with all who have met her since she’s been ill .. is that at all times .. she says thank you, and is so grateful for all that is done for her = it’s a constant: she doesn’t forget the power of a thank you: & a sunshine smile!

Remember to say thank you with a smile = it’ll take you a million miles.

Her Interests & needs: Remember those..whatever they may be ...

My mother has been really amazing .. you’re going to hear this often .. – when she was really ill & hooked up right at the beginning (May 07) she was saying don’t give me choices .. one or two are enough; fortunately I seemed to be able to slot into the mode of asking which she’d prefer to do or have ...

It’s terribly important to have eye contact, to talk clearly, slowly and succinctly .. not saying a lot in other words, but conveying what you want to say & making sure that she understands ... bringing memories (again brief) to guide her & allow her brain to take in what you’re saying: then you’ll get the response you expect (probably!). Time is critical in communication skills .. my mother says to me .. let it sink in – don’t know yet .. the words take time to be unscrambled and to be assessed, and then to be thought about & then perhaps to reply ..

.... however if you want sharp wit .. just come & visit my mother .. it comes straight out!! More often than I expect sometimes. It is mind boggling .. how the brain works .. then we have a good old laugh .. she belly laughs often –which is so excellent.

Curious About Life?

Something missing . . . ?
friends . . . . fun . . . games . . . . health . . . . help . . . . hugs . . . .
humour . . . . inspiration . . . . inspire . . . . laughter. . . . Flowers . .
love . . . marriage . . . travel . . . . freedom . . . .life
On the journey of becoming someone?

http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=716119040


Enjoy ...!

Why am I doing this .. cont

Understanding the capabilities of my mother and adjusting to those each day and being aware of those things a stroked patient can tolerate ... I wonder if carers – both professional and personal – know what these are?

My mother cannot take too much noise at any time; nor does she like tv – perhaps that’s indicative of our upbringing .. it simply wasn’t on much; the radio is a definite no no = she can only absorb small amounts of information at any one time.

My next post will highlight how she can stay engaged and not switch off – ie the approaches that best serve her interests ... something that most of us will need at some stage in our life: mine came late ... but I believe will help me with other aspects of my life.

Why am I doing this ...? cont

I don’t know if the same thing happens in other countries as happens here? – ie the nursing is done almost without consultation with us – which I find really difficult to deal with .. again isn’t it common sense that my mother’s nearest & dearest should be consulted at the same time? To me it’s politeness .. as surely I know my mother the best & therefore will be the person to help her through those changes?

Also here different National Health Trusts offer different products .. so my mother, having survived the trauma of the strokes, then has to adapt to a different feed product on transfer to Sussex. &&& .. I won’t go on .. negatives don’t help! But it’s good to get it off my chest ..

It’s a year today, 28th September, that my mother was brought down from London to Eastbourne .. so I can celebrate her year of life with us down here .. & the enjoyment she’s brought me.

Why am I doing this ...? cont

Understanding comes in various forms .. understanding the condition, especially at the beginning – when you don’t know the journey to get to the final outcome ... if I’d known how we’d be today, I’d probably have been happier last year! It’d have been easier to comprehend.

Understanding the possibilities – rather understanding that you’re not going to find those out ... it’s like guess work .. it drives me nutty!! I ask and ask .. & really don’t get much help or suggestions .. all I wanted to know .. was how was it going to develop – because then I can be prepared & be one step ahead – it’s hard work & emotionally draining working all this out.

This withholding of information, in case of incrimination .. really does not help those that genuinely want to know .. for an extremely valid reason: to facilitate my mother’s life (and perhaps more importantly my own) during her last months.

Why am I doing this ...?

To help myself record some of the interesting interludes that we’ve had along the way .. yes it has been traumatic, but I’ve seen my mother’s character blossom with many an amusing tale to tell .. she laughs a lot and we have had some interesting discussions on various topics.

The trick, I’ve found is to be ahead of the game .. ie be thinking in advance of topics that she would be interested in ..they have to be snippets, as she cannot concentrate for too long .. so when you see something amusing or stimulating .. make a note, cut it out – then the next trick is to remember what it was of interest that you wanted to discuss ... !! My own brain gets tired too .. I’m not used of thinking for two .....

The learning curve ..

My mother has always been aware of others .. and we discuss their needs, their challenges and she’s always reminding me to keep our standards up .. to do what is right, to give the right expectations ..

It is uplifting and has made me think that I should reassess my life, be considerate to others, learn to be grateful at all times and for all things – a great many readjustments ... gratitude journals, gentle wisdom ...

The positives of life ...

So I’d like this blog to contain the positives of life .. – yes we have to deal with the negatives, but why brood on them? bring out the light .. be flexible, learn to work round the challenges – so difficult in these situations .. especially when one needs support – the emotional and the practical ... not always forthcoming.

I’d like to tell short stories, bring out the memories, remind ourselves of our shortcomings and how we can overcome them, offer positive ideas, positive thoughts, topics to amuse or interest ..
Let me know what you think ...

Her will to live ...

She has always been positive in her outlook since her strokes (though oddly she had a period of insecurity and depression, despite owning a successful business – a Care Home - until she was 80+, in her last few years before her strokes: this was always something I found difficult to understand).

Everyone in the wards thinks my mother is wonderful – it is so heart warming .. she’s always thankful for everything that is done for her & always wanted to cheer others, particularly those in a worse situation to her .. they were younger, with a future, or with younger families = it makes you think!!

Balancing Life ...

My mother after the initial realisation in her mind that her life had changed dramatically, as she had had two of her major strokes on transferral to ABIU, seemed to relax into her situation, though never did she lose the will to live or to continue to do things and still hasn’t – 19 months later. (just a note.. she has had an adominal tube feeding mechanism in since June 07 & has had nothing to eat for a year, and since Christmas 07 has had nil by mouth either .... - another dimension to her care & her strength of mind)

We’ve had to adjust to her situation and as a daughter I’ve worked my way mentally through the challenges of brain injury, the personal emotions, the family challenges, and maintain a positive outlook as our impossible journey continues ...

Mission Impossible - in Personal Development

We had such wonderful people with us in the Acute Brain Injury Unit – the doctors, the nurses, and in particular the other patients, together with their families, in our small ward of 5 usually, (one bed was kept free for emergencies & there were some) – we were a global mix.

So much to learn and to educate myself about .. strokes, brain injuries, other cultures, different languages – mission impossible to do it all .. but an experience in personal development if ever there was one ...

Power of a Mission ..

The realisation that life balances have changed and the mother daughter relationship is still there, but it’s also turned on its head .. I have to be as much of a mother as I can to my mother in her hour of need: this leads to personal changes, career adjustments, and suddenly realising that there are now two of us ... in my one life – a few major adjustments will have to occur over time!

When a major disaster affects each of us at different times - how do we react? How have you adapted, what have you experienced? – I’d love to hear.

Life Balance gets kicked out ..

I had to adjust to travelling up to London to see her three or four times a week, though occasionally more & then after 8 ½ months finally down here, when I visit twice a day, unless my London brother & his wife come down.

We have much to be grateful for: Mum is looked after and we don’t have the terribly sad time that others have with their elderly or really ill family members – when the enormous difficulties of home nursing and care come into play, with its emotional stress and physical strains taking their toll. I had plenty of that too, but in the main I consider myself lucky .. the incredible journey continues ...

An Impossible Journey ..?

The shock and realisation that suddenly my mother’s life is at an end .. but is it? The care and concern of all .. the move to the Acute Brain Injury Unit (ABIU) .. the medication to bring the strokes under control – all carried on while we as children adjusted to the situation at hand.

Then the "shock horror" that my mother would live on & we really would need to adjust to a different life .. for how long? None of us knew & no-one can predict: It is her life and her decision - something I was told early on.

Then we started looking at her character ... the strength, her tenacity and resilience .. her faith & her belief that she most certainly did not want to die .. she still had plenty to do ..

Mission Impossible? - your views ...

I have learnt so much over the 19+ months since my mother first went in to University College Hospital London (UCLH), and as this blog develops I will start to bring out categories relative to your thoughts that you pass on to me .. the emotional elements, the positives, the ways to adapt, uplifting ideas, and lots lots more.

Is this a Mission Impossible? I don’t think so .. my main aim is to BeHappy .. so that this Mother Daughter Balance of Life Blog can bring hope and comfort to all, who have to go through similar difficulties. What do you think? Please let me have your views – I’d be very grateful.

Mission Impossible? Daughter's Life Skill Change ..

My mother had three major strokes 19+ months ago, but miraculously, is able to communicate – despite being bedridden.. how can a daughter adapt her life, while at the same time maintaining a balance of life, when she too is reaching her pension years? What are the life skills required? What can we learn from this situation?

I’d like to get a dialogue going with all of you who’ve been kind enough to read this site Mother Daughter Balance of Life Blog - & I’d love to have all mothers, daughters, grandmothers to record their ideas on the life balances we must all make. I’m sure comments will be forthcoming too from men with a desire to learn, professionals, healers and carers – I look forward to all of these!